Isolation: A weapon against your heart, mind and soul.

For most of my life, I have been an introvert, a loner. I was never one to set goals for my life, would start projects to never finish them, didn’t plan ahead and would rather spend time with a couple of friends rather than in a crowd. I was a timid child and a perfect target for the bullying I endured at school and the abuse I suffered by my father.

I didn’t have many friends at school and at home I hid away in my room as I immersed myself into music. It was the only true joy I had. As I grew up, I carried my tendency to isolate myself into adulthood which meant when trials came (as they will always do), I suffered, worried, and fixated on the issues inside my head. That’s a horrible place to be and is the prime place the enemy of our soul wants to keep us. That’s where he does his best work. If he can get you to retreat within yourself, away from friendships and guidance, his battle is mostly one. We then come up with solutions to our problems and make a royal mess out of it all.

Here's just a few things that transpired that caused me to build up walls around myself and retreat into isolation.  Maybe you can relate:

• Sexual abuse by my father from my earliest memory until I built up enough courage to break my silence at the age of 15.

• The death of my mother when I was 5 and my brother was 2.  She was 23 years old.

• Bullied at school.

• A verbally abusive stepmother from about age 6 to 9.

• Five short years after my mother died, my grandfather who I dearly loved and who was helping to raise my brother and me passed away.  I was 10 years old.

• Verbal abuse at home and very negative environment through my early and late teen years.  My grandmother never got over Papa dying and leaving her with two young children to raise. I know it must have been very hard on her.

• Other men who were inappropriate with me, but I had been conditioned to not tell through the abuse from my father.

• That day while in the passenger’s seat of my father’s car, in a state of depression, I opened the car door going about 60 mph down the interstate. I knew what awaited me that weekend and just wanted it to stop. My father reached across and slammed the door, then yelled at me all the way to his house.

• Working to befriend people who didn’t want a friendship with me and therefore, causing me to go back into my shell.  (Don’t give up! Those lifelong friends are out there!)

• Deciding I deserved better in life and shredded the heart of my husband and children.

• Forcing myself to believe that all was ok during our 9-year divorce but inwardly falling apart.

The isolation I found myself in from childhood and throughout adulthood was so harmful for me. I sank into depression while I shut people out of my life. People who loved me and wanted to help me, but because I “had everything worked out” in my mind, I didn’t want to hear their truth or accept their help. Image and status meant more to me than dealing with my issues. I had to make it appear that all was good and fine.  That’s what we Southerners often do. “How are you today”? “Fine, thank you”. On social media, we share our countless selfies and share the best of our lives, whether they are true or fabricated because we have to let people know how blissful life is for us. I’ve done it too.  I’ve shared those pictures and posts telling the world that it’s all rainbows, flowers and unicorns over here.  But you know what? Life is messy, life hurts, life is hard. And because of that, we just can’t do life alone. We need those trusted connections with people who are going to lift us up, inspire us, encourage us, be a positive influence and even more importantly, we need to trust and believe that God longs for us to come to Him for the answers that we seek for our life.

I will write about many things in this blog as time goes on, but I just wanted to first say, if you have found yourself in a dark place, please reach out to someone who can be trusted. Don’t stay in that place of isolation and silence. There is hope and help to be found. If you don’t have anyone you feel you can trust, reach out to me and I will happily pray for you. It took me a long while before I trusted anyone enough to let them into my chaos, but I now have the most amazing circle of friends that I know I can trust and know they will be there for me at a moment’s notice.

My life hasn’t been a complete sad country song.  I’ll fill you in on the blessings, restoration, healing and just plain miracles that God has performed, but I wanted to just give you a glimpse of the fact that I’ve lived through some things.  I could definitely live my life in a “Why me God?” frame of mind.  Asking, “Why did you let these things happen to me?”.  But I have chosen to allow these circumstances to make me stronger.  Strong enough to reach out to others to say that no healing or joy will come by remaining in isolation. My mission with this blog is to inspire you to be strong and refuse to remain a victim.  Through my faith in Jesus Christ, I am a victor!  I am here today to speak peace over your life and healing over your circumstances.

Take that first step and reach out to a trusted friend and/or counselor.  You are brave, you are strong, you are courageous, and you are loved by a God who thinks you’re a pretty big deal.  Don't believe that? Check out my latest blog, "The Way of Life".